Being a stepmom is much harder than just being a biological mother because you have all of the demands of a biological mother, but none of the power. You do everything a biological mother does but get hated for it and no appreciation. When us stepmoms feel powerless and run down emotionally and physically remember this scripture in Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Write this scripture on an index card and put it some place where you can see it every day and be reminded of it.
The role of a stepmother demands strength, wisdom, endurance, patience, resilience, flexibility, sacrifice, a willingness to serve, an ability to love unconditionally and show love, requires to put others needs before our own, acceptance and a constant reliance to God. Being a stepmom can be demanding and draining at times, even though it can sometimes be rewarding too. When I start to feel this way and become discouraged I take out some scriptures that I wrote on index cards and read them out loud to myself. If things get out of hand and it feels like your walking on eggshells in your own home, play some praise and worship music or Christian music softly and concentrate on it. It will change the atmosphere. I have done this in the past and it’s made such a huge difference on things. God doesn’t want us to live in depression, distress or discouragement. God has a plan for each of us stepmoms to live in fulfillment, joy, grace and contentment. God knows what we need and how to take care of us, turn to him and pray. You need to be strong and go to God’s word and stay there until you feel like the heaviness has lifted off of you. His view of who you are is the only one that matters. Don’t let others define your worth as a stepmom. Don’t let a person determine what you are worth by the kind of job you are doing as a stepmom. The only view that matters is God’s view.
Here are some other scriptures to help encourage and lift you up:
- I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
- In all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37
- We must constantly be renewed in our minds and attitudes. Ephesians 4:23
- Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9
- May the God of your hope, so fill you with all joy and peace in believing. Romans 15:13
- But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
- I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8
- Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in everything. II Thessalonians 3:16
We need to accept our new role in life as a Stepmom and also accept these three things:
1. Accept our Situation – It is what it is now, only God can help make the best of it.
2. Accept our Husband – We can’t change who he is as a parent, only God can change who he is. So love him and accept him for who he is.
3. Accept our Stepchildren – Love on them, they are hurting inside. Accept them for who they are even though you didn’t have anything to do with who they are when you married their Dad. Ask God to help you to accept and love them for who they are.
We all do hope that our stepchildren will on day come to appreciate everything we have done for them, but that day may never happen and we need to learn to accept it and be okay with it.
Then we need to take care of ourselves because the demands of being a stepmom can often lead us to feel drained, exhausted and feeling all alone.
Try to do these things to help recharge our batteries:
1. Go out with a good friend. You need to laugh and have fun.
2. Do an activity you enjoy either by yourself or with a great friend.
3. Get some “Me” time. Like a spa or get your hair done.
4. Spend time with just your kids. Go out and do something fun they will enjoy which also helps your husband get some 1:1 time with his own kids too.
5. Encourage another stepmom that may be discouraged.
Something that doesn’t help is being around people who are negative or toxic in your life. Being around people like that just makes things worse. This brings me to another point, sometimes it’s not good to pour out all of your stepmom problems or issues to family members. Because often at times, family members hold grudges and may treat your husband and stepchildren differently. Find a friend, support group, or another stepmom or even a counselor to confide in.
I made the mistake of sharing things with close family members which I really regret doing to this day because of how they treat my stepchildren now. Remember God’s plan is for us to not be alone, find a support group of stepmoms who will have your back and where it will be a safe place to express your feelings and a place to be yourself, a place where you don’t feel like an outsider. I have started a wonderful small group of stepmoms on Facebook, you are more than welcome to join, it’s called: “Stepmoms Are Us”. You don’t have to do this alone.
Here’s a prayer I put together to help you, the Stepmom:
Rick Warren, The Purpose-Driven Life (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2002) pages 196-97.
Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley, But I’m not a wicked, Stepmother! Secrets of successful blended families. Focus on the Family, 2015) pages 25-26