10 Things Stepkids Want & Need to Hear

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Here are the top ten things every stepchild would love to hear from their Stepmom or Stepparent. When you do say these things, make sure that you mean what you say and say what you mean.  Always look for opportunities to use affirming words to your stepchildren.  Using affirming words with them makes them feel loved and admired by you. Before you do say one of these things, make sure you do it in a quiet place where there’s no one else around. It makes the moment feel more sincere, special, important and more meaningful.

Here are the Top 10 Things every Stepkid would want and need to hear from you:

1. “I will never try to take your mother’s place.”
A lot of stepkids are going through loyalty conflicts, it really helps when you say this to them. It helps take the pressure off of them.

2. “You matter to me and you are important to me.”

Even though you do feel this, way they need to verbally hear this from you.

3. “I love you no matter what you do or say to me.”

Sometimes stepchildren think that because you got upset with them that you don’t love them anymore.

4. “I will never get in the way of you spending time with your Dad.”

Stepchildren often feel like you are taking their Father away from them and that they don’t get to spend time with just him. 

5. “I will never make you choose between me and your mother.”
This makes them realize that it is okay to love both their mother and their stepmom. That it is okay if they chose their mother over you, that you understand it.

6. “I will always be here for you when you need someone to talk too.”
This will help them realize that you are there for them if they need to someone and they are not comfortable talking to their Father about something.

7. “I will always have your best interests in mind.”

This will show them that any advice you give to them is for their own benefit and only to help them.

8. “I will always encourage your Dad to spend quality time with just you, without me around.”

Saying this shows that you will always try to make sure they get 1:1 time with their Dad.

9. “I may not always like or agree with the choices you make, but I will always care about you.”

This shows them that it’s okay if you make a choice that you might not agree with, doesn’t mean that you will care for them less.

10. “I’m sorry…. I made a mistake or hurt your feelings.”

Apologizing and owning up to a mistake you make with them, shows them you are not perfect and it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, everyone makes them.


Saying these things above will not only help the stepchildren feel close to you, it will earn their trust and love from saying these things to them. Another way to really show what you say to be truth is to spend time with them 1:1, take them somewhere special and get to know them. Because saying these things is just not enough, you need to show them that they are important to you.  The way you do that is by investing time with them. Words are just words if you don’t show it by what you do with them.  Like for example, if their Mother’s birthday is coming up, to show them that you’re not having them choose you over their mother, take them out shopping to pick out a gift for their mother.  Spending time with your stepchildren by doing something they would enjoy a lot will go a long way with them.  It will create childhood memories with you, which they can one day look back on as they become adults.  Take advantage of their childhood and create memories that will stick and last with them.
It’s so important to tell them what they would like to hear but only do it if you feel that way for them. They will be able to tell if you’re just acting it out or if you really mean what you say.  So, mean what you say and say what you mean, they will respect it and it will create a close relationship with your stepchildren.

Have you ever said any of these top 10 things to your stepchild yet? If so, how did it go?

Published by Michelle T

Stepmom for 19 years overall, married for 10 years. I have three of my own children and three stepchildren who are adults now.

15 thoughts on “10 Things Stepkids Want & Need to Hear

  1. These are so perfect. It takes someone very special to move into the role of stepmother, and I could see how these simple phrases could encourage a child. Kudos to you for rocking!

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  2. Very insightful. I think all kids need to hear these kinds of things, and especially kids in a vulnerable or new parental situation.

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  3. \”I'm Sorry\” is a phrase that can go a long way but can often be hard for people to say. It is important to be accountable that you aren't always right and everyone gets angry or makes mistakes from time to time.

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  4. It sounds like patience is a necessity in these situations. These are great reminders. I think we sometimes get wrapped up in our daily lives that we take the people we love for granted. Sometimes they just need to hear you say how you feel.

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